I told you I'd get here.
While I have retained many of the healthy habits that I began this past fall, I appear to have reached my Job era - everything is failing and my skin is terrible.
While I'm describing my many failures, I would also like to add that I hate menstruating. I really don't have any right to - I don't experience debilitating pain or heavy bleeding or suicidal thoughts and I know that a lot of people deal with those. I'm not incapacitated by my period but it still rules over me in ways that I find incredibly embarrassing. My mood and work ethic are directly tied to my cycle and I know with complete regularity that I am at the height of my energy two weeks before my period and then feel like my life is falling apart the week before it starts. The moments where I have truly felt like lying down and dying have invariably been followed by my period the next day.
I hate that I am this unable to control my own body. I feel like a complete failure as a feminist to know that I actually am unstable in my pre-menstrual period and that I fulfil every sexist stereotype of a hysterical woman ruled by hormones. Even if something like a better diet and more exercise would alleviate my symptoms I resent the idea that I would even have to do that much to get my body under control.
When I wrote about no longer hating myself I wrote about how it was necessary to give up that sense of rational mastery over my own willpower and embrace that good habits come from years of fine-tuning your autopilot. You cannot just get up and will yourself to do what you need to do and instead must set yourself up for success with banal things like eating regularly and laying out your clothes the night before. And while I certainly believe all that I still hate that I can't just get up and will myself to do all my tasks in one day - that I cannot make myself do anything that my body does not want to do.
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